You're not as weird as you think!
Forgive me while I reference the 1990's cult-classic, Clueless.
Open scene. Popular, yet lovable, Cher, is feeling defeated. She's certain Mr. Big On Campus, Elton, is 'the one.' So she sets out on a campaign to make him hers. But, when her efforts result in little to no attention from her target, she's lost. She's tried it all, playing coy, spreading gossip, whining, glossing her hair! Yet, nothing seems to work.
Frustrated from her fruitless efforts, she sets her sites on the new kid in town, Christian. There's just one problem. Cher can't recognize that Christian isn't a fit for her either. Christian is gay.
Cher is buggin'. Cher is anxious. I know, because I see this all the time in real estate.
Real Estate Anxiety? Ugh, As If! Totally as if. It happens all the time.
Many of my sellers will get fixated on a list of details they believe need to be addressed before listing their property. They often meet me with an apology. "Sorry we know our place isn't ready for showtime." Or worse, "sorry, we'd love you to come over and list but it's not ready yet."
I assure them that plenty of sellers feel this way, that I approach all properties with zero judgement, and share my 5 Mistakes Seller's Make That cost Them Money guide. But, I realize their behavior is totally coming from a place of anxiety and that anxiety is also totally normal.
The seller means well. They're simply chasing after the wrong goal, much like Cher chased after Elton.
On the buyer side, often, when faced with a rejected offer, buyers will go into hyper-drive. My once calm and steady, skeptical buyers suddenly want to put offers on everything.
I recognize that this is also coming from anxiety. It's also, "totes normal."
The buyer is simply searching for a win. But they're going about it the wrong way. Just like Cher chased after Christian.
In both cases, my cool, collected, intelligent, informed, and all-around Zen clients turn shades of, well, Cher. They lose sight of the prize, as they attempt to control everything they can. I wanted to find out why, and I have.
OMG Are You Like Sooooo Relating Right Now? If any of this sounds like you, you're not alone. Twenty-five percent of the population has what is called an anxious attachment style, just like you!
Psychology Today describes the 'anxious attachment style,' as it pertains to relationships in the following manner; "The anxious attachment style, is always concerned about the stability or security of the relationship. People with this attachment style tend to agonize over the meaning of words or actions by a partner. They read negatives into otherwise neutral or positive interactions. They also tend to crave constant reassurance that the relationship is secure, and the affection and love are still present."
Sound like anyone you know? If so, this behavior may also reveal itself in your real estate journey. Let's replace some words, and you'll see what I mean.
"The anxious attachment style, is always concerned about the stability or security of the TRANSACTION. People with this attachment style tend to agonize over the meaning of words or actions THROUGHOUT THE PROCESS. They read negatives into otherwise neutral or positive interactions. They also tend to crave constant reassurance that EVERYTHING is secure and THAT ALL THEIR CONTRIBUTIONS ARE NECCESARRY AND IMPORTANT."
If you find yourself identifying with the above statement, you're likely exhibiting anxious attachment issues with a property; or you will be at some point during the process.
Exhibit A: Buyer Andrea
Take, for example, Andrea. Andrea was ready to buy. She'd thought about it for the longest time. She knew what she wanted. She knew what it would take. She was vetted, informed, and ready to find her place. But, not just any place, this place had to be perfect. It had to be, 'the one!'
We found it; at least we thought we had. A beautiful shotgun double in Faubourg Marigny with incredible plasterwork. "THIS IS IT!" she shouted. She knew it. I knew it. We put in a highly competitive offer.
We didn't get it. Plain and simple, the other offer was irresponsibly high.
I was bummed. Andrea was crushed. Crushed and newly emboldened.
The next day she broke out her equivalent of hair gloss, the MLS. She searched high and low, looking for a replacement. She sent me screenshot after screenshot. The first one came in at 12:30AM, then another, then another. They continued until past 2AM.
She was frustrated but ready to bid and ready to win. Uh oh! Andrea was after a 'Christian,' and I was concerned she was about to jump into a significant purchase fueled by high octane anxiety.
Exhibit B: Seller Jose
Another example? My seller Jose was ready to downsize. He was exhausted from maintaining a big, historic home all by himself. He was excited about selling so he could find a gorgeous, manageable, modern home that was low maintenance and low stress! We got him in contract on a zero lot line townhome. He couldn't wait to pull into his new garage!
But Jose needed to sell his current home before closing to make the deal happen. So we prepped it for listing, and prepped it for listing, and prepped it for listing, and...
Jose kept finding new "mandatory chores" to do before the home was ready for showtime.' He would tell me things like, "the posies need replanting, the bedroom needs a color update, the closets aren't organized, I must find flower arrangements for the tables!"
Jose was exhausted and overwhelmed. Jose was anxious and attached. He felt he had to do it all. Perhaps he didn't truly feel worthy of the sale of the home as is. Maybe he believed he had to do all of these things to make peace and let go. Either way, Jose was clinging to a place that was no longer a good fit.
Jose's historic home had become his, 'Elton.' And I was concerned he'd lose his new dream home because he couldn't let go of the house he no longer needed.
Totally Clueless, But Not Lost
Fortunately, both stories have happy endings.
Andrea and I chatted and she cooled her heels, regrouped. A week later a home "3x more perfect" was listed nearby for a lot less money. We won the bid. She's since moved in and happy as can be. She's found 'the one!'
I helped Jose recognize that his efforts to make things 'perfect' were in direct conflict with his goal of being less stressed in a new low-maintenance home. We got his historic home sold in time to keep his new dream home. He now smiles as he pulls into his new garage every day that it rains after work.
In the case of our high school heroine Cher, she gained clarity when she spent time on herself instead of others. "I know it sounds mental, but sometimes I have more fun vegging out than when I go partying." Doing so made it clear that the love of her life was under her nose all along.
[Spoiler alert it was neither Elton nor Christian. Forgive me; you've had almost 30 years to watch this film!]
What To Do With All That Real Estate Anxiety
So what can you do when your anxious attachment style is getting the best of you? Remember you've got this. The following actions will help keep bad behaviors at bay by keeping your inner Cher in check.
Avoid people who wind you up. You know who these people are. They fire you up, instead of calming you down. Great for motivation, bad for anxiety.
Instead, reach out to a friend or family member who can provide both calming support and assurance in a consistent and helpful manner.
Stick to the facts. Your creative brain has a way of writing stories. Stop the embellishment and speculation by jotting down the cold hard facts. Discuss as needed.
A good agent won't add to the drama. A great agent will listen and steer you back to the facts as needed.
Spend time in your safe space. Find a place that allows you to turn away from the need for constant effort or attention. Put down the phone and just be still.
Keep in mind this may not literally mean being still. For me it's being in water. I put down the phone and burn off the anxious energy. For you it may be elsewhere like the craft table, dart board, volunteering, or simply taking a long drive with good tunes.
Keep Boundaries Firm. Keep this in mind as best you can when it comes to your agent, lender, etc. For example, when you find yourself trolling Zillow at 2 AM, ask yourself, is this a helpful behavior? Is this an appropriate time to text or call? Or would an email or a phone call in the morning be more appropriate? Am I asking for what I want or just sharing what I'm seeing?
When I find my brain making it hard to sleep, I find jotting down thoughts/to do's on a notepad by the bed helps my mind find rest.
Pour Into You. This is the most essential part, pour into you! That's right. Stop giving away your good energy. Start loving on yourself.
Bottom Line?
Buying or slling your home is a stressful endeavor. It's likely something you'll only experience a handful of times in your life. It's the perfect environment for anxiety to take the wheel. Don't let it.
Also remember that each move is different. Each life stage contributes or detracts from the stress in different ways.
You may need to do different things to level off your anxiety with this move than what has worked for you in the past. That's perfectly normal, and also perfectly OK.
Remember to:
Avoid the wind up
Stick to the facts
Spend time in a quiet space
Keep your boundaries
and pour into you!
In doing so, you'll recognize the anxiety for what it is. The world of real estate isn't conspiring against you. You have control. You call the shots. You've got a damn good co-pilot in your agent. And, good things are coming your way.
The next time anxiety tries to take the wheel, look it dead in the eyes and tell it 'as if!'
Voted Neighborhood Favorite by Nextdoor, Team Cool Murphy is a top-producing, licensed real estate team based in New Orleans, brokered by Cool Murphy, LLC.
Celebrated for her next-level creative approach to real estate, Elisa Cool Murphy is an award-winning, top-performing agent in New Orleans and the founder and leader of Cool Murphy, LLC.
Contact Her -
email: cool@coolmurphy.com
Facebook: @homeinneworleans
IG: @coolmurphynola
YouTube: @coolmurphynola
phone: 504-321-3194
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